Tremendous Trump the First Vanquishes Evil Kaepernick Tremendously

America 2028 Movie Reviews

Kaepernick
The studios gave me a copy of the movie poster for ‘Tremendous Trump the First Vanquishes Evil Kaepernick Tremendously” and the headline reads, “WITNESS THE MOMENT THAT AMERICA ALMOST DIED AND SEE IT GET SAVED BY A MAN FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS WHO HAS THE BIGGEST, MOST AMAZING HANDS.”

Also posted at Medium.

Previous America 2028 reviews. 

Due to this film’s treasured place in our President’s heart, being that it pays tribute to his beloved father and all, I have been ordered to run the studio’s pre-approved review word-for-word. This review begins in italics below. 

That said, I will add that I have not seen this movie so I will not offer any of my own commentary. 

(Though I would like to point out that the release seems to read like more of an editorial review and less like a critical review. Not looking to make a stink that would get me shocked with a car battery after being abducted in the middle of the night or anything, just making an observation.) 

Anyway, on to the official critique. 

 

TREMENDOUS TRUMP THE FIRST VANQUISHES EVIL KAEPERNICK TREMENDOUSLY 

And behold the day that ended as a glorious day that also began the day as a dark day. The darkest of days. 

The darkest. 

The most breathtaking and terrific movie that has ever been made will take you, humble American subjects, back to that transformative, historic day in the autumn of 2016 when Evil Kaepernick rather-unwisely chose to not salute the Great Flag of America. Not only did he fail to give the proper salute to the Great Flag of America, Evil Kaepernick also chose to skip singing the Great Song of Freedom in that time-honored pre-game ritual that pays tribute to the many, many dead poor kids who gave their lives to keep oil companies’ stock prices high. 

Surely you all remember this dark day, over ten years ago. Like you, Trump the First saw Evil Kaepernick engaging in his evil that day. This movie chronicles Trump the First on that fateful day and this movie chronicles him in breathtaking and fantastic ways. 

As he recalled later, Trump the First remembered hearing Evil Kaepernick shout the words, “THE LIBS HAVE WON THIS BATTLE IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!” while dancing triumphant victory-dances in that stadium and Trump the First—like each and every last one of you—could only gaze in horror. 

Upon witnessing this terrifying spectacle and thinking of the many, many young military men who died to protect the interests of America’s finest and most magnificent oil companies, Tremendous Trump the First summoned a flying phalanx of bald eagles from the skies who swooped in to pick him up and fly him to the stadium most hastily in order to stop the travesties from happening. 

Him, riding on their backs through the air, Trump the First—trust us—he looked way, way more masculine than those two short guys did at the end of the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie when they flew through the air on their giant birds. 

Trust us: if you ever watched that scene and thought how incredible it was to watch those big birds carry the shrimpy libtards back to the land of civilization, you will be a thousand times more blown away by watching this movie. No. A million times more blown away. 

When the phalanx of bald eagles carry Trump the First over the tops of the extremely tall buildings—the tallest, most building-like buildings you have ever seen—and into the stadium where they perfectly land on the fifty-yard-line, you and all the other viewers will think that this landing could not have been more perfect. 

Women who view this movie: prepare to be aroused like you have never been aroused before as you watch Trump the First dismount from the bald-eagle-phalanx in the middle of a stadium packed with hundreds of millions and roar the most masculine roars at Evil Kaepernick. Each roar will pour out of his mouth more masculine than the last roar and this masculinity will only build further as he roars more roars. 

If any of you women do not get the most turned on you have ever been, the reason for this will be that a mere actor portrayed Trump the First. If you happened to have been sitting in that stadium seeing the real Trump the First roar, you probably would now be a lesbian or maybe even a nun, as any thought of being with men of the masculine variety will have left your head forever and ever. 

And men: 

As the tremendous Trump the First verbally smites Evil Kaepernick right there at mid-field and shames the dastardly ways of Evil Kaepernick in front of a packed stadium filled with three hundred and fifty million people, this sight will outrank the best sights from the greatest of all sports matches ever—even that video footage from the Olympics back in Ancient Greece. This footage is even better than that footage. Watching the authoritativeness of Tremendous Trump as he dominates Evil Kaepernick, you will think that he is the best. Just the best. 

The best. 

You will see this take place on the theater screen and feel thrills all throughout your body as you do. 

And viewers of both genders: 

Get ready to have your perspective on everything in the universe forever altered as the film shows the very precise nanosecond when the many, many billions in the stadium all simultaneously yelled out, “Donald Trump: run for President. Save our nation. Free the whitefolk!” Then, you will observe the next moment where the clouds of the sky opened and the sun appeared. Moments after appearing, the sun morphed into the slightly-tanned, freckled face of Jesus Christ. The rays of sun in the sky became Jesus’ blonde hair radiating from his head and, as his two blue eyes opened, Jesus looked down from the heavens and said, “Yes. Donald Trump shall be the next President and then his son Eric Trump shall be the President after that. THIS. I. COMMAND.” 

Viewers of the male and female genders: you will never have more fun ridiculing another human being as you will have while ridiculing the girlie-man Evil Kaepernick as he wallows in his realization that he disrespected the flag of Jesus Christ and his blonde locks of glorious hair. The levels of fun you will reach while making fun and yelling at him on the big screen, the makers of this film can already see you reaching those levels of fun right now. 

‘Tremendous Trump the First Vanquishes Evil Kaepernick Tremendously’ will be the movie you see that blows away ever other movie you have ever seen. It’s the best. 

The best. 

 

(See? Like…the whole time you were reading that, weren’t you thinking to yourself, “Hmmm…this sounds like more of an editorial review than a critical review…”? I sure was. Oh well. My next review, I think I will be checking out a fresh-faced-young-fella-makes-it-in-the-big-city story. I could also critique a chick-flick as well. Then again, I could get zapped in a radiation storm and microwaved like a bag of popcorn. You never know these days.)

***

Along with movie reviews from the year 2028, I also write fiction

Kirkus editorial review for Fearkiller (Volume One).

Previous America 2028 reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

Article posted at Medium as well.

 

 

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