Stonewall Jackson Singlehandedly Slays Socialists from the North

America 2028 Movie Reviews
Stonewall Jackson
Gotta love Stonewall’s line: “Socialism? Not on my watch, motherfucker…”

Also posted at Medium.

Previous America 2028 reviews.

As the credits rolled, we theater-goers were busy rewrapping our radiation suits around our bodies before venturing back into the outdoors.

The thirtysomething fella who had been sitting across the aisle spoke up. Motioning my way, the lanky gentleman asked, “Is it me…or did the actress who played the evil Northern Socialist General look a lot like that lady who is in jail now…ex-politician…she married a horn-dog—”

“Hillary Clinton?” 

“Yeah, that’s it!” 

Being a seasoned movie-reviewing veteran, I had to chuckle at my fellow cinema patron’s naïveté. “My friend, nothing is coincidental in 2028. The choice of actress, like every decision America’s propagandists make, was calculated and deliberate.” 

He and I gave each other the “All Hail Eric!” salute and went our separate ways. 

Walking the streets, my brain raced as it began to conjure up the words for what would ultimately morph into this review here that you are reading at this moment. 

To call Stonewall Jackson Singlehandedly Slays Socialists from the North a retelling of a Civil War story, one would need to place heavy emphasis on the word “retelling.” 

But hey, this is 2028, right?

As far as the plot goes, this special-effects-packed war epic tells the story of the final forty-three days in the life of Confederate General Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson. 

To educate the less-knowledgeable viewers, the screenwriter and director do a serviceable job of summarizing Stonewall’s earlier life. The story touches on his service in the U.S. Army in his younger years. After the Civil War broke out, he switched sides and took command of Confederate fighting divisions. 

Then, forty-three days before meeting his end, Stonewall Jackson got shot two times in the arm. Loyal Confederate troops carried their General to the nearest field hospital, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. After the doctors amputated, Stonewall Jackson rose from the blood-stained cot and began his 41-day-long, one-armed killing spree, cutting and slicing Northerners and communists and Communist Northerners one after the other. 

Stonewall brings it all to life.

As this film shows, a hazardous and painful surgical procedure like a limb amputation would have ruined almost any man back in the 1860s. 

But General Stonewall Jackson could never be confused with one of those men. Even when the surgeons dug into a nerve, Stonewall gritted his teeth and said, “Doc, all you doing is making me madder and more pissed off with all that sawing back and forth. Hurry it up. I’m itchin’ to own some libs.”

And thanks to CGI, we moviegoers get to take it all in.

The nurses barely finish suturing when our hero General leaps off of the cot, not even bothering to change out of a bloody grey Confederate Army uniform which only get bloodier as the film wears on. Grabbing his cavalry sword with his remaining arm, Stonewall Jackson heads out of the field tent, roaring “Time to own some libs!” at the heavens.

The weeks long, death-filled bloodbath begins. Tall socialist northerners. Short socialist northerners. Fat ones. Skinny ones. It didn’t matter. None of the bluecoats or their socialist philosophies stands a chance against Stonewall and his glowing sword. Scene-after-scene, the sissies are no match for our hero. 

Stonewall roams the countryside, moving through the woods from one group of blue-clad socialists to another group of blue-clad socialists and leaving nothing but carnage and hopelessness in his wake.

His relentlessness reminded me of Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers. If those two were racist, they’d truck with Stonewall. Slashing and chopping, slicing and dicing—I could see the three of them hanging. If Jason and Michael were more racist, I mean.

In one scene, our General surprises a group of abortionists sitting around a campfire and shoots lightning at them from his sword. While a few manage to fire their muskets, in the end it proves to be futile.    

Overall, I’d give the movie’s special effects an ‘eight’. Here and there, the blood splotches or body parts didn’t appear to be as real as they should have.

My favorite line of Stonewall’s gets uttered about three quarters of the way through. Moments away from death, a beaten and bloodied bluecoat looks up at his conqueror and asks his last words: “Who are you?”

Eyes narrowing, Stonewall answers. “I’m a one-armed Braveheart, bitch…”

Paying homage to horror movies of old, I especially like the scene where the evil Northern Socialist General (the one played by an actress who looked like Hillary Clinton) runs at top speed through the woods. Looking back here and there, the terror-filled look stays on her face. Her pace only quickens. And behind her, General Stonewall Jackson ambles, one foot after the other, slow but unstoppable.

Oh, to have been there, back in 1863. To hear Stonewall Jackson stare at his dying nemesis and say, “Checkmate, libtard” before decapitating her. 

I won’t go any further talking about this movie, but I will say that Stonewall’s forty-two days of vengeance-filled violence ended spectacularly and the special-effects team should be commended for the realism.

Those helicopter gunships looked bitchin’.

Stonewall Jackson Singlehandedly Slays Socialists from the North. See it and learn the version of history that they want you to learn.

Along with movie reviews from the year 2028, I also write fiction

Previous America 2028 reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Article posted at Medium as well.

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