America 2028 Movie Reviews
Also posted at Medium.
As the credits finished rolling and the houselights fully turned on, we theater-goers were rewrapping our radiation suits around our bodies before heading outside.
A thirtysomething fella had been sitting across the aisle.
Motioning my way, the lanky gentleman asked, “Is it me…or did the actress who played the evil Northern Socialist General look a lot like that lady who is in jail now…ex-politician…she married a horn-dog—”
“Yeah, that’s it!”
Being a seasoned movie-reviewing veteran, I had to chuckle at my fellow cinema patron’s comment. “My friend, nothing is coincidental in 2028. The choice of actress, like every decision America’s propagandists make, was calculated and deliberate.”
He and I gave each other the “All Hail Eric!” salute and went our separate ways.
Walking the streets, my brain raced as it began to conjure up the words for what would ultimately be this review here that you are reading. My mind felt occupied and it took me a while to separate out this movie’s storyline from facts about the Civil War that I learned so long ago in History class.
To call Stonewall Jackson Singlehandedly Slays Socialists from the North a retelling of a Civil War story, one would need to place heavy emphasis on the word “retelling”.
But hey, this is 2028, right? Instead of thinking deeply about the array of discrepancies, I choose to call this movie an “alternative history” tale.
This special-effects-packed, big-budget war epic tells the story of the final forty-three days in the life of Confederate General Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson.
To educate the less-knowledgeable viewers, the screenwriter and director did a serviceable job of summarizing Stonewall’s life leading up to those final days. The story touched on his service in the U.S. Army in the years before the Civil War broke out. After hostilities began, he switched sides and took command of Confederate fighting divisions, playing key roles in early battles.
Then, forty-three days before meeting his end, Stonewall Jackson got shot two times in the arm. Loyal Confederate troops carried their General to the nearest field hospital. The set design…kudos. It mirrored the period perfectly. That beat-up, open-flapped tent could fit right in perfectly back in the 1860s.
And as this movie shows, Civil War battlefield medicine differed from modern medicine. Fearing that gangrene could set in, those doctors decided to amputate Stonewall’s arm. Amputation was common back then because the medical staff could not fight most infections. And the types of bonesaws that Saudi Arabians love to work with still had yet to be invented.
Such a hazardous and painful surgical procedure would have ruined any man.
But not General Stonewall Jackson.
While the battlefield medical team removed his arm, our hero just reclined in that cot and laughed and laughed and laughed, puffing away on a giant cigar. (Remember: these were the days before anesthesia, too.)
When the surgeons dug into a nerve, Stonewall gritted his teeth and said, “Doc, all you doing is making me madder and angrier and more pissed off with all that sawing back and forth. Hurry it up. I’m itchin’ to own some libs.”
The doc, shocked at his patient’s bravado, replied, “But Stonewall, you only have one arm.”
After a loud, haughty laugh, our hero smirked as he answered. “They’re just socialists and commies, Doc. I only need one arm.”
Then, to make sure the audience comprehended, our actor turned to the camera and gave a thumbs-up.
The nurses barely finished the sutures when our hero General leaped off of the cot, not even bothering to change out of the bloody grey Confederate Army uniform which would only get bloodier as the movie wore on. Grabbing his cavalry sword with his remaining arm, Stonewall Jackson headed out of the field tent and into the night.
Watching him charge off, the nurses stared lustfully and one of them said, “Those socialists are never going to know what hit them.”
Raising his sword to the sky, Stonewall never flinched as lightning bolts electrified the curved silver blade. Rating the special effects in this scene…hmmm…I’d give them a ‘seven’.
Speaking of which, overall, I’d give the movie’s effects an ‘eight’. Here and there, the blood splotches or body parts didn’t appear to be as real as they should have.
After roaring “Time to own some libs!” at the heavens, our one-armed hero stomped off into the night. A bloodbath that would last for forty-two days begins.
Tall socialist northerners. Short socialist northerners. Fat ones. Skinny ones. It didn’t matter. None of the bluecoats or their socialist philosophies stood a chance against Stonewall and his glowing sword. Scene-after-scene, the sissies were no match for our hero.
Stonewall roamed the countryside, moving through the woods from one group of blue-clad socialists to another group of blue-clad socialists and leaving nothing but death in his wake. His relentlessness reminded me of Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers. If those two were racist, they’d truck with Stonewall. Slashing and chopping, slicing and dicing—I could see the three of them hanging. If Jason and Michael were more racist, I mean.
When needed, our General could fire lightning bolts from the end of his sword and cut down entire rows of libs, socialists, feminists and abortionists. One scene, he surprised a group of them around a campfire. A few managed to fire their muskets and one threw a few punches at Stonewall. But, in the end, it was futile.
My favorite line of Stonewall’s got uttered about three quarters of the way through. Moments away from death, a beaten and bloodied bluecoat looked up at his conqueror and asked the last words he would ever ask. “Who are you?”
Eyes narrowing, Stonewall answered the dying man. “I’m a one-armed Braveheart, bitch…”
Paying homage to horror movies of old, I especially liked the scene where the evil Northern Socialist General (the one played by an actress who looked like Hillary Clinton) ran at top speed through the woods. Looking back here and there, the terror-filled look stayed on her face. Her pace could only quicken as she ran. And behind her, General Stonewall Jackson ambled, one foot after the other, slow but unstoppable.
Sure enough, her efforts would fail. She passed a grove of trees and plowed top-speed into Stonewall’s sword. As any fan of slasher movies knows, one simply cannot outrun a killer who saunters after you. The physics won’t allow it.
Oh, to have been there, back in 1863. To hear Stonewall Jackson stare at his dying nemesis and say, “Checkmate, libtard.”
I won’t go any further talking about this movie, but I will say that Stonewall’s forty-two days of vengeance-filled violence ended spectacularly and the special-effects team should be commended for the realism.
Those helicopter gunships looked bitchin’.
Stonewall Jackson Singlehandedly Slays Socialists from the North. See it and learn the version of history that they want you to learn.
Along with movie reviews from the year 2028, I also write fiction.
Article posted at Medium as well.