With Tea Bags Dangling from their Faces

America 2028 Movie Reviews, #13

Tea Bag White People 2
My favorite line from this movie: “The black guy in the White House will quiver with fear at the sight of our thousands of protesters’ faces and their tens of thousands of tea bags!”

Previous America 2028 movie reviews.

To experience this sweeping piece of historical fiction is to feel like you stepped into a time-traveling machine and transported yourself back to the year 2009.

Ahhh, the first days of the Tea Party movement. 

A point in time that seems like it happened many, many, many natural disasters ago. So many natural disasters ago. So, so many. Why, in hurricanes alone, at least a thousand category-eight hurricanes must have assaulted our shores since the days when tea bags flapped in the wind and poorer whites gathered to make a stand on behalf of richer whites who avoid taxes.  

Produced on a budget of $24.6 billion from a script personally approved by President Eric Trump himself, With Teabags Dangling From Their Faces dramatizes one of white supremacy’s…excuse me…fiscal conservatism’s finest hours. A moment when middle-income white people who bought into propaganda about Trickle-Down Economics gathered in public to yell and scream and model the latest tea bag fashions. 

This movie pays tribute to the revitalization of that American institution known as white nationalism…I mean…the Republican Party.  

The emotion-filled epic’s stark, scary opening and its ominous music created the tone and mood perfectly. A series of title cards set the story for us viewers and began the teleportation, nineteen years into the past. 

For a few months now, President Brock Orlando has been prancing around the White House, pretending to be all big-time and better than everybody. 

He acts like he owns the place. When he speaks from his Oval Office, you can imagine him thinking thoughts like, “Woo-hoo—lookit me! I’m better than you!!!”  

Like Abraham Lincoln first did back in medieval times, the citizens decided that it’s time to rise up. It’s time to have their own, modernized Tea Party. 

It’s time to show Brock Orlando that two can play at that game.

It’s time to buy some man-tights, shoes with buckles, powdered wigs, and triangle-shaped hats, just like what Abe Lincoln wore when he invented electricity.

And tea bags.

They also needed lots of tea bags.  

The citizens roared a collective war-cry and made plans to go teabag-shopping. 

The makers of this movie didn’t mess around, right away bringing up the man that 2028 history books refer to as Brock the Evil. (I dare not mention his real name.) 

As far as cinematography goes, the starkly-lit opening sequence and its parade of title cards messed with my head for a while afterward. I had seen that type of gritty treatment before…but where? A day later, it hit me that the directors appear to have been inspired by the opening title-card sequence in Black Hawk Down. Instead of wide, establishing shots of starving Somalis, WTDFTF opened with wide, establishing shots of wide-bottomed whites. 

As the ensemble cast of characters got introduced and became spurred to take action, it felt like a love song to conservatism had taken the form of a three-hour cinematic feature. 

Oh: when I say “love song to conservatism,” I’m not talking about small-government conservatism or states’ rights…low taxes and reducing the deficit—no. 

What I am talking about here is the racism-and-gunhumping brand of conservatism—you know, the type of energy that seems extremely prevalent and everywhere these days, 24/7/365, around every corner and lurking inside every nook and cranny, ready to pounce on your soul when you least expect.

Instead of old-school Teddy Roosevelt, think more along the lines of “socialism for the rich, free-market capitalism for the poor” mixed with “brown-skinned people and Jews are bad.” 

Yeah, that brand of conservatism.

One extremely nice part of spending that few hours inside the theater was that I didn’t spend it outside cowering in the radiation storm. (You don’t think I review movies because I’m a movie buff, do you? Hell no. I do this to live a bit longer.) 

The large ensemble cast may turn off some viewers who look for more intimate stories that dissect a single psyche. But I liked it. Watching this sizable mass of Fox News viewership slowly come to realize that their country had come under attack from the gays and the Mexicans, viewers needed to feel that many, many Americans felt threatened by the gays and the Mexicans. And this movie does its best to suggest that the vast majority of Americans felt threatened. The feature-length story even amplifies those threatened feelings through the use of special effects and dynamic camera angles. The special effects themselves were so realistic, it was like a viewer truly saw those panicky feelings and apocalyptic visions that ran around inside the skulls of the first Tea Party members.

The characters represented a nice cross-section of the Party demographic. You had Stan, the 100%-not-racist accountant, whose favorite hobby is dressing up as a Confederate Army Colonel for the weekend Civil War reenactment. Then there was Steve, the 110%-not-racist plumber, whose favorite hobby is dressing up as a Confederate Army Lieutenant Colonel for the weekend Civil War reenactment.

Such a diversity of folk in those first Tea Party days. And this movie brought them to life. Whether the characters watched Bill O’Reilly on their small TVs or they watched Bill O’Reilly on their wide-screen TVs, WTDFTF showed what matters most: that they all watched Bill O’Reilly.

Like Assaulting the Handicapped: A Fathers & Sons Story and Impotent Rage Rises, WTDFTF captures a sliver of White Americana. An angry, hateful sliver that believes it is actually peaceful because its internal compass has been knocked so far out of whack that it no longer can tell the difference between ‘up’ and ‘down’.

Similar to Becky Thaveth All of Americath Aminalth, the caucasian sense of activism captured in this film is a sight to behold.

I close this review with lines from a poem written by one of the characters, Sam, the 120%-not-racist computer programmer, whose favorite hobby is dressing up as a Confederate Army Captain for the weekend Civil War reenactment.

In the heat of the moment, he freestyled a poem to his fellow rally-goers about how history would view the Tea Party. These two lines anchored the poem’s chorus:

They stood up to the other races

With tea bags dangling from their faces

See this tribute to the Tea Party. Like really…see it. They’ll come after you if you don’t.

ALL HAIL ERIC!

 

Previous America 2028 movie reviews.

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