2028 Movie Reviews, #16
These days, Zeus’ authoritative visage graces every government building in America. Monuments to Zeus’ greatness have been erected all across the land. Zeus’ chiseled and vaguely-Donald-Trumpian face adorns the US twenty-dollar bill.
A special-effects-and-boobs-packed, religious blockbuster about Zeus had to happen sooner or later. And here it is.
2028’s Zeus: God of the U.S.A. is an epic, four-hour tribute to Zeus, the country’s official replacement for the Prosperity Gospel version of Jesus Christ.
What a spectacle. My favorite scene came along in the third act. Silver-haired and tunic-clad, Zeus and Poseidon are hanging out at Mount Olympus on the Lido Deck. While nibbling on a fresh fig, Zeus starts to talk about one of his many children. “If Persephone weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Spitting out a semi-chewed fig, Poseidon lets out a chuckle. “WHADDAYU MEAN, BRAH? YOU ARE DATING HER!”
Zeus’ guffaws join his brother’s yuck-yucks, then the two give each other the high-five-low-five, Mav and Goose-style.
Such a powerful scene.
By this point in the movie, the creators had already established Zeus’ alpha-male qualities and sheepdog traits many, many times over. So many times over. Whether they used violence or sex or sportsball or stacks of gold coins to make this point, the point itself seemed so, so obvious. So obvious. Not long after this opus’ action-packed beginning, I jotted down in my critic’s notebook that the makers of Zeus wanted every viewer to understand that Zeus was no pussy.
(Keep in mind that I am a highly-trained movie critic. My keen cinematic mind can grasp details like these much earlier than civilian brains pick up on them.)
The Persephone dialogue at this later point in the film did a great job of clearing up any remaining questions about Zeus’ superior XY-chromosomes. Those chromosomes are so much more superior than all other dudes’ XY chromosomes and you don’t need to tell me this fact ever again, I get it. For those who take a bit longer to catch on, this scene offered yet even more irrefutable proof that Zeus rocked the testosterone, honey. Zeus radiated metric tons of man-juju—much more so than every other God who had ever Godded before. Just in case any viewer hadn’t picked up on this fact during the previous three-and-a-half hours, the idea got hammered home here. Zeus. Man. All man. Zero woman.
Zeus is America’s God. Which makes perfect sense.
Ever since President Eric—ALL HAIL ERIC!—Trump mandated that Zeus was to become America’s sole religious deity and honoring other deities would be deemed acts that are punishable by death, whoa. Forgive me if it all took an extra second to absorb. I’m old enough to remember the times when Zeus-worshippers went gaga over a white-skinned Jesus Christ who hated women, gays, and the poor, that’s all.
I was alive when those people hit each other with magic coats, refused to wear masks to fight a pandemic, spoke in tongues—all in the name of a blonde, blue-eyed Jesus who was born in Galilee over 2000 years ago. When it comes to the current worship of Zeus, I can’t help thinking back to the days when Trickle-Down Jesus was the recipient of all of that praise and rent money.
I am of two minds about it all. Yeah, it’s cuckoo-bananas that the Zeustapo maintains such tight control over the nation’s spirituality. At the same time, at least America now sees Jesus Christ as a dirt-poor, dark-skinned rabbi who booted the money-changers out of the temples. Unlike the Prosperity Gospel Jesus who demanded his cut from the money-changers, the modern-day Jesus is portrayed as a limp-wristed weenie who was jealous of others’ financial success and viciously engaged in class warfare.
(Yeah, I see that discrepancy, too. This Jesus Christ is a wimp, only he’s also a threat. If you’re confused, just remember how this crowd once talked about Antifa.)
The current vision of Jesus does indeed match the New Testament version much more closely, I’ll give it that. 2028 Jesus did not hate the poor or shame the sick…facts which Zeus-worshippers bring up time and again, as slurs.
Zeus: God of the U.S.A. introduces all of the important gods and goddesses from Zeus’ sphere of existence. Apollo, Athena, Don Junior, Ares—the screenwriters made sure each got seen not just as Gods, but one-dimensional cliches as well. Boy, they sure devoted a lot of screen time to the ol’ ball and chain, Hera. That’s Zeus’ sister-wife, if you have not seen the movie yet. (I’m not bringing any spoilers here. The Confederacy didn’t invent the practice of dating one’s own sister. People have been doing it for millennia.)
As this movie shows in graphic detail, Zeus screwed around on Hera every chance he got. But the way that Hera nagged him instead of bowing to him like all the bimbos did, yeah, I can see why Zeus couldn’t keep it in his tunic. And the fact that religious schools now teach our nation’s children that men should screw around if their wives are total bitches—again, kinda one of those not-as-shocking-as-it-should-be kind of things.
The days of giving praise to a prophet who treated prostitutes with respect are over. The America of 2028 needs to praise a booty-hound type of God, one who is full of one-liners about dumb blondes and Mexicans. America should pray to a God who murdered his father to attain power, not a God who loved both his father and step-father. Instead of a lifelong bachelor, follow an unhappily-married philanderer. That’s the story here.
Enough philosophizing. Back to the movie.
All of you T&A freaks will love the cast of Zeus. The woman who played Ayn Rand in Ayn Rand’s Anal Antics #17 assumes the role of Aphrodite and she attacks her scenes with goddess-like gusto.
It needs to be said: the special effects ruled. Especially the lightning bolts that Zeus hurls at humans while screaming phrases like, “QUIT HURTING MY FEELINGS!” and “DON’T CANCEL ME!” and “VANISH FROM MY HEAD, VISIONS OF DAD! VANISH VANISH VANISH!”
Also, hats off to the props designers and makeup artists. The zombies, charred bodies, and headless corpses looked SO realistic. I’m positive that the gruesomeness will scare many young kids and keep them in line.
Yeah, things have changed. 2028 is a different place. The whole change-up in terms of the God thing fits with the rest of the transformations.
Screw Jack and Bobby Kennedy. Zeus and Poseidon are the true poon-brothers. I know this now. I know this because the filmmakers stated this very thought, in words, at the opening.
Right before the first scene faded in, a title card flashed up on the dark screen:
ATTENTION VIEWERS: ZEUS AND POSEIDON WERE THE TRUE POON-BROTHERS.
THOSE LIBTARDS JACK AND BOBBY KENNEDY WERE MERE SOY-BROTHERS.
I would like to thank President Eric Trump for ordering Hollywood to produce this tribute to our nation’s new, numero-uno God. Zeus: God of the U.S.A. Check it out.
ALL HAIL ERIC!