2028 Movie Reviews, #15
Before I get to reviewing 2028’s latest coming-of-rage film, let’s collectively shout out an “ALL HAIL ERIC!” to our esteemed President. We should thank him for green lighting the script and allowing this movie to come to life on the big screen.
Ready? One, two, three:
ALL HAIL ERIC!
All right. Onwards, onwards to my review.
My Smirk Is My War Face: the Kyle Rittenhouse Story offers the viewer a chance to truly comprehend the life-in-progress of our nation’s current Secretary of Defense, Kyle Rittenhouse. And what an ambitious film.
MSIMWF is brave, brave like traveling in like-minded packs and ganging up on some dreaded “other” walking along by themselves. It’s manly, like using one’s systemic privilege to get all Machiavellian with one’s bad self and exploit others just because it gives one the giggles.
Action-packed, yet emotionally-stunted. So 2028.
Just like everything else in America these days, this movie brings a mix of frenetic energy and one-dimensional thinking and only a smidgen of it makes any sense whatsoever. So many different nuances accompany us as we travel into the uncharted, poo-filled unknown.
And that’s the “art” of the story.
(Sorry, I just can’t write that word nowadays without putting quotes around it. I remember what art used to look like, before the radiation storms pummeled everything.)
MSIMWF gives moviegoers a look into the psyche of a complicated man who we Americans call a national hero—of course, we all say that he’s a “national hero” because we don’t want to get hauled off in the middle of the night for questioning. But I digress.
This cinematic journey conveys that the psyche of Secretary of Defense Rittenhouse pulses with a mix of simple complexities, complex simplicities, and guns. Many guns. Big guns. Little guns. So many guns running through that mind. Every bit of his mental landscape gets laid out so the audience can lose themselves inside this big-budget biopic. A rawkin’ soundtrack, jam-packed with guitars and whammy-bars, accompanies the visual spectacle, making the whole experience rawk that much harder.
Yeah. It rawks hard. Hard.
Seriously. That soundtrack rawked. Your white man’s overbite grooving itself into a frenzy will add to your escapism.
The hard-driving tunes also serve as a perfect bed of sound to help bring us through the mind of a man who isn’t afraid to sucker-punch females to get what he wants. Golly. That moment happened way, way, wayyyy back in 2020. Crazy to think that far back, right?
It’s wild to recollect those times when sucker-punching females was frowned upon. Did those “hitting females is bad” years even exist, or has the vibe been the same vibe as this one in the year 2028? My ability to recollect events has been significantly affected by the radiation storms.
Since we’re speaking of anti-women energy, MSIMWF delivers for the entire almost-six hours. That early scene wasn’t alone. Yeah, not to worry: the whole thing doesn’t turn around all of the sudden and get all soy-boy on us hardworking, non-rich believers in trickle-down economics.
Then again, I’m guessing that no script could ever get green lighted nowadays if it didn’t burst with that 2028-esque mix of misogyny and chickenhawkiness. Take the recent remake of Thelma & Louise and the fact that they made the character Darryl the hero. No way this film would have seen the light of day if the writers didn’t think outside the box and deliver this type of retelling.
As is compulsory with every cinematic production that submits a request to be produced, MSIMWF does contain, per the recently-enacted Entertainment Statutes mandate, “at least one scene, no less than three minutes in length, that portrays the Evil Hillary and all of her evil in the most evil possible light.”
I won’t spoil the eight-minute scene in MSIMWF for you. But I will say that it takes place in the White House and SecDef Rittenhouse and Secretary of State Nicholas Sandmann save everybody—including that group of Swedish stewardesses that were touring the White House—from the attack by the 800-foot-tall, fire-breathing Hillary. Also: the special effects are wicked.
As an aside, I walked into the movie assuming that the compulsory Evil Hillary Scene would come earlier in the story, most likely during the night that made SecDef Rittenhouse famous. Think about my angle here: that was only his first mission as a member of SEAL Team Six! How perfect it would have been—maybe he’d battle a Hillary Clone Army, or a Hillary made out of nuclear radiation, or a Hillary who—
Oops. There I go again…deviating from my role as movie critic to start assuming that I could make it as one of this movie’s many writers. The nerve of me, trying to jam myself into that jam-packed writers’ room where I’m sure the whole group worked scene by scene when generating this script, assembling every bit of it by committee and ensuring that every plot point, character trait, description of action, and word of dialogue met with consensus before moving forward.
MSIMWF got approved and produced and—from watching the end result—you can tell that its financiers managed, re-managed, and micro-managed every stage of this production, ensuring that every detail got executed as excruciatingly as possible, just to remind those artistic types to remember their place.
I walked out of the theatre understanding that every person involved in the production grasped that this was a business venture and not one of them ever pretended otherwise.
In a way, I find it refreshing that nobody pretends that they care about unborn babies or the teachings of Jesus or the words of the Constitution anymore.
Take the fact that the title song The Red, White, and Blue Is Now the White, White, and White! from the musical production that won every award in the world last year has become our National Anthem. It just makes sense.
Remember what our Founding Fathers said: greed is good.
See My Smirk Is My War Face: the Kyle Rittenhouse Story.
You don’t have a choice.
I don’t just write movie reviews from the future. I write fiction, too. Check out the story site for my sci-fi series. The first book, Revolutionizer Alpha, is available now.