We find ourselves at the dawn of a new age. A new, supremacist, syphilitic, stupid age.

kakistocracy [ kak-uh-stok-ruh-see ]: government by the worst persons; a form of government in which the worst persons are in power. 

I’m gonna venture out on a limb here. 

Maybe our country just needs an image upgrade. Before you get your red, white, and blue flag in a bunch, hear me out.

Look around. We got all this strife, the tension and ugliness, a surprising number of people who dismiss 100,000 people dying from Covid-19 in under four months—maybe instead of correcting all of this, we instead rethink the concept of our country, then engineer a fresher vision to fit the current paradigm. Let go. Unshackle. Move forward into the now. 

Let’s get radical with this energy. Change it all.

Let’s start with the name. 

The United States of America. 

Sounds so, so, so…pre-coronavirus. And, dare I say: kinda pussy-ish. I mean, “United States”? “United”…like we’re a bunch of fags or something. 

Instead of “The United States of America” I suggest we call it, “Americaligula, Brotastic Empire.” 

Sounds take-charge, doesn’t it? More cock-and-balls, definitely. Like…not only do we not care about human rights or the condition of the planet, but we also believe that we are better than everyone else. With this new name, we would own our white male privilege instead of hiding behind some “united” mumbo-jumbo—

“United States”…sounds all kumbaya. No wonder the terrorists attacked us on 9/11.

Onto the next thing that needs to be changed: the bald eagle seems played.

How about we replace the bald eagle with a chickenhawk? Or a weasel? Maybe a vulture? 

I got it…”The Americaligulan Vulture.” Hmmmmm…I like…Sounds way more cock-and-balls than “The American Eagle.”

For national icons, how about an Americaligulan vulture with herpes named Marine? Marine has actually never served in the Marine Corps. Marine was born Stephen, but changed his name because he always saw himself as a Marine—though he has never, ever, ever, ever given any thought to enlisting. He just thinks the name “Marine” fits him, his lifestyle, and his firearms collection more than “Stephen” does. Marine loves his job in Finance. Marine is doing his best to quit steroids. 

Marine totally knows that the old and sick should die to keep the stock market pumping out cash, straight to his offshore accounts. 

Totally. 

Speaking of “Totally…” that sounds like the perfect phrase to replace Land of the free, home of the brave. 

Americaligula, Brotastic Empire. Totally. 

This country sounds bitchin’. 

Now that we got the ball rolling, that whole red-white-and-blue color scheme feels tired. And definitely not the colors of a country with rich people who profiteer off of pandemics—

Money-green. Duh. That’s one of the colors. No-brainer there. 

And what color is herpes? Know what…how about we table that thought. We’ll find out what color it is later. Not important right now. 

Money-green and herpes-color. The sacred colors of Americaligula. Totally.  

A money-green and herpes-color two-toned flag. And all of Marine’s attire will be these two colors and these two colors only. The words “money-green” and “herpes-color” will have to be worked into the lyrics of the new national anthem. Another item to be tabled, but let’s make the working title for the new national anthem High-Five Low-Five. 

Now that I’m thinking more deeply, the name “Marine” sucks. The Americaligulan Vulture’s name is “Bill O’Reilly.” 

All illustrations of the vulture will feature Bill O’Reilly’s sneer. 

Yeah, we’re hot now. This country totally seems different than the old place. Totally. 

I can feel the Dow surging in anticipation of Americaligula’s rise to domination. 

To be continued. In the meantime, check these earlier posts out: 

America: militant, not military.

Yo China and Russia: instead of making war on America, make war-porn for America.

Bros: America’s new Jews, Part V.

Don’t get mad at them. They’re just being white.

I hope that coronavirus helps America redefine the term “white trash.”

If America is going Porky’s, Melania Trump makes an ideal First Lady.

My Amazon Author Page. I have two dark comedies and a sci-fi book available.