Fox News America isn’t getting the civil war it wants. Just the civil war it deserves. Part IV.

Know your chickenhawk. Meet some of the archetypes who want to dial 9-1-1…excuse me…engage in a “civil war”.

A continuation of Parts I, II, III

Whoa. America feels war-ry. Or war-esque. Or…war-ilated—what is the proper term to describe people who do not serve in the military yet act increasingly militaristic? Seems like there needs to be a term for this.

In earlier pieces, I addressed the broader strokes of this new conflict generated by Fox News Corporation in its quest to kickstart a ratings bonanza so its investors can buy more expensive yachts and hire higher-priced divorce lawyers.

Today, I’d like to look at the psyche, talk about the various types of fellas who really, really, really want the police and National Guard to do their fighting for them.

Let’s begin. Because this is America, we’ll start with the higher earners since these men are more important.

No-Talent Steve Jobs
No-Talent Steve Jobs possesses all of Steve Jobs’ abusiveness and not one bit of Steve Jobs’ job-creation skills. Due to his white skin and entitled chip on his shoulder, No-Talent Steve Jobs worked his way up the ladder in the American business world, failing his way upward and being a snitty prick about it the whole time. Some older version of himself saw the angry lad at the dawn of his career and took him under his wing. Years later, No-Talent Steve Jobs holds many jobs in management and still has no idea that the business world exists to employ people who help an enterprise develop good products that consumers can value. Nope. No-Talent Steve Jobs sees the business world as this cool place where he can yell. And stomp. And throw things. And pout. And sexually harass. No-Talent Steve Jobs can’t wait to dial 911.

Mr. Blue Lives Madder
Nothing makes Mr. Madder madder than when those dastardly libs denounce our nation’s policemen and policewomen. Hang on. Scratch that. Start talking about any potential tax increase that could be levied to further protect police or create programs to assist their families—then Mr. Madder’s blood really starts to boil. As much as Mr. Madder states that he reveres our nation’s heroes in blue, he resents paying taxes for their livelihoods. Police department layoffs, early furloughs, benefits reductions—this guy fully supports every one of these initiatives. As long as these police departments remain the dumping ground for the surplus military equipment made by the company that he owns shares of, he feels that the police need to shut up about things like health insurance. They got armored troop carriers, he thinks, why do they kvetch about retirement plans? Another thing about Mr. Madder, if any cops approach him after he’s had more than three drinks, Mr. Madder will get in the cops’ faces and scream to them that he pays their salaries and they work for him.

The Star-Spangled Boner
Before Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem, the Star-Spangled Boner always viewed this American pre-game ritual as his best chance to buy more beer and brats. All of the fellow fans back in their seats, standing at attention and singing the words to the great freedom carol, he used to pat himself on the back for his ingenuity, seizing this opportunity and taking advantage of the shorter lines. Not these days, though. Nuh-uh. In 2019, the Star-Spangled Boner works himself into a tizzy thinking about well-paid black guys taking a knee instead of singing the great freedom carol. These days, as he stands in line for beer and brats during the National Anthem, he doesn’t congratulate himself for saving time. Instead, he stews, thinking about those disrespectful black guys who don’t respect the great tradition of singing the great freedom carol. During this civil war, the Star-Spangled Boner plans to make the police make the rich black guys sing the great freedom carol. And rich black guys: he is so going to make them make you. Look out.

Band of Bro
Probably the most militaristic of the archetypes who hanker for another civil war. And when I say “militaristic” what I mean is, “bro’s got some old or dead relative that saved the world in World War II and bro believes that this fact excuses him from any military service but he still thinks it’s cock-and-balls to play soldier with its weaponry.” Band of Bro knows that in World War II, some Hitler guy invented this evil thing called socialism and wanted to infect the whole world. Single-handedly, a group of American white boys sailed across the ocean and defeated this Hitler guy and buried his socialism deep underneath the sea. Another thing about Band of Bro: he hates Jews. Band of Bro thanks god that the Jews weren’t around in World War II to help Hitler invent his socialism.

The Poor Man’s Gordon Gekko
Crowds that gather to hear this man rant and rave often think to themselves, “Wow…this guy…his warbling, it’s like he possesses all of the entitlement and undeserved self-assuredness of a rich guy—and none of the money. Is this possible?” As the Poor Man’s Gordon Gekko continues screaming, thoughts pop into observers’ heads like, “If he keeps flailing his arms back and forth and up and down like that, he’s gonna pull a muscle sooner or later.” The Poor Man’s Gordon Gekko will never for one second think that your point of view is worth hearing. You aren’t him, and you aren’t the angry white men more important than him. You aren’t important.

Constipated Constitutionalist
Many people never pick up on this fact during their interactions with him, but the Constipated Constitutionalist has never in fact read the Constitution of the United States of America. Not once. Not only does he, in general, avoid reading things that contain words, he also, deep down in his heart, already knows what this revered text says. He can imagine each letter falling onto that piece of parched paper and arranging themselves to state that America is the best and no other country will ever be the best. Ever. It makes his heart happy to visualize the Founding Fathers still having enough energy left after writing the King James Bible to squeeze out another timeless document. The main reason that Constipated Constitutionalist wants a civil war is that America must pay for getting the black guy elected twice. It says so in the Constitution. He knows the exact chapter of the Constitution that says these words.

That was a quick list of people who can’t wait to sit back in their recliner and watch the carnage on TV. My fellow white people.

Fun fact: the median household income in America is $56,000/year. The Trump voter’s median income was $72,000/year.

Economic despair does not drive these people. Racism does.

Whatever helps a billionaire, right?

Look for part V of this series. It should be here. Eventually. My time has been limited lately, because I’ve been training and preparing for this “civil war” by sitting around and picking my ass.

Revolutionizer Alpha is available on Kindle now. Paperback soon. Buy as many copies as you can. 

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